When I was in my early 20s in one of my first professional jobs, I had a co-worker, “Lauren” who constantly asked me personal questions. I was eager to do well in my new role and was raised by my mom to keep work and personal life separate.
One day, after what felt like the hundredth personal inquiry, I was at my breaking point. I just wanted to get the work done, and I was worried we wouldn’t meet our deadline because of the constant chatter. So, I said, “We really need to get this work done. We don’t need to be friends.” I thought I was simply stating the facts.
Lauren burst into tears. 
I was shocked. I didn’t think I had said anything offensive or controversial. To me, it was just a matter of focusing on the job at hand. But suddenly, the entire office was talking about it. To some, I was the “bad guy” for making her cry. Others, more quietly, pulled me aside, understood where I was coming from and taught me an important lesson in emotional intelligence (EQ): Not everyone has the same perspective or approach to work.
Different Approaches, Different Expectations
Looking back, I could have handled the situation differently. I could have let Lauren know that I’m a private person and that I preferred to focus on completing our work. Or, I could’ve determined what personal information I was comfortable sharing—enough to engage in a conversation but without revealing too much. Finding that balance is something I’ve learned to cultivate over the years, especially when working with colleagues for extended periods of time.
But it wasn’t just on me.
Emotional Regulation Works Both Ways
Lauren could’ve benefited from practicing emotional regulation as well. If Lauren had paused, taken a deep breath, and managed her emotions, she might have initiated a different response that would have prevented the situation from escalating. A simple, “Tonya, I really enjoy talking with you and want to get to know you better. I feel a bit hurt when you shut down our conversations.” It would have been an uncomfortable moment and conversation but nowhere near as uncomfortable as what really happened.
So, What Can You Do Differently?
Navigating workplace relationships—especially with colleagues who have different approaches to work—can be tricky. But emotional intelligence is the key to creating respectful, productive, professional relationships, whether or not you’re friends.
Here’s what you can do the next time you’re in a situation where expectations clash:
Set Clear Boundaries – If you need to focus on the work and someone is getting too personal for your comfort, let them know. You don’t have to be friends to work well together, but you do need to communicate effectively.
Practice Self-Awareness – Know your own emotional triggers and needs. If you’re feeling frustrated, take a deep breath before reacting. Sometimes, just a few seconds of pause can change everything.
Use Empathy – Recognize that your colleagues might have different expectations than you. They may feel that connecting personally strengthens teamwork, while you might feel it distracts from the task at hand. Both perspectives are valid!
Cultivate Emotional Regulation – Whether you’re the one wanting a more personal connection or the one needing space, emotional regulation can help prevent misunderstandings. The next time a situation starts to escalate, take a step back and give yourself (and others) the space to process.
Self-reflection for the week
Reflect on a recent situation where you didn’t clearly communicate your boundaries or expectations.
What happened?
What prevented you from explaining your boundaries with empathy and clarity?
What would have happened if you’d used emotional intelligence to manage the conversation?
Action for the week
This week, take a moment to practice setting clear boundaries while maintaining kindness and empathy.
Need support navigating workplace dynamics? If you’re ready to build your emotional intelligence and handle conflict with more ease, let’s connect about how we can help.
