So I finally bit the bullet and signed up for Facebook. I was a hold out for so long because a few years ago I tried it and was completely overwhelmed and scared about the prospect of being so visible. I was constantly getting notices that I couldn’t keep up with and my past rushed in with people who I haven’t spoken to in years.
My husband jokes that I’m a Luddite because I’m so resistant to new technology. I often cave in and am pleased with the decision but it takes me along time to get there! In 2013 I’m finally on Facebook. As I added a picture and played with my profile I recognized the real fear, visibility. I’m naturally an introvert and private person. While I want to be seen and understood by those close to me I don’t often feel the need to be seen by everyone. When I first had my children, who are twins, I was overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the amount of attention and visibility I received simply because I had two babies. That external and unsolicited attention and the visibility was actually one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for me.
So the thought of being on social media and engaging with it is a scary one for me. Though there is the barrier of the computer and its screen Facebook is a way to be transparent and intimate. I’ve worked with many people who are terrified of intimacy. It is not that they don’t desire love but the fear of being rejected by someone who sees them is terrifying. I think that’s a bit of what I’m feeling now. Facebook is an entry into sharing all of myself without control or confidence of the outcome. It’s being visible and intimate without guarantee of how I’ll be received.
As I explore this new-to-me medium, share my light and darkness, and take the risk of opening myself to others I’ll hold on to my faith and belief that I can weather the process even when I’m uncertain. And when my faith waivers, I’ll rely on the faith and support of others.
